


Sensing Trouble from a Mile Away

by patientalien



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Depression, PTSD, Suicide Attempt, nervous breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-01
Updated: 2013-04-01
Packaged: 2017-12-07 03:55:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/743916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patientalien/pseuds/patientalien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anakin is forced to give up command of the 501st. Things go downhill from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sensing Trouble from a Mile Away

**Author's Note:**

> Written circa 2011: Written for the "nervous breakdown" prompt on my hc_bingo card. Based somewhat on the episode synopsis/preview from the Clone Wars episode "Darkness on Umbara" . Title from "Rainy Day" by Guster.

The LAAT/i's scream through Umbara's atmosphere, explosions rocking the small vessels as they make their way to the landing zone. Ahsoka Tano looks up at the grim face of her Master and knows he is thinking the same thing she is: what if the landing zone hasn't been cleared? What if they're flying the entire 501st into a trap? Well, they've flown into traps before and always came out unscathed. The larty beside them explodes in a belch of flames, and Anakin winces. She can tell he wants to be the one flying them in, but protocol dictates he be back here; one more protocol he hates, she knows.

"Steady," he commands, voice low. She tightens her grip on the strap above her head as another explosion throws them from side to side. "Almost there."

The side doors open; it is night here and Ahsoka can see search lights at the landing zone, leading the way like daylight. Anakin nudges her with his elbow, and nods. "Follow me!" he shouts, and jumps. Ahsoka follows, holding her breath - she will never get used to this. She feels the clones falling past her, and she forces herself to relax as she hits the ground, rolling to her feet.

Anakin is dusting himself off, looking like this is the most natural thing in the universe. He is in his element here, danger on all sides and him in control. She never admires him more than in situations like this.

A voice from behind startles them both, and Ahsoka has her 'sabers out at the same time Anakin does. "General Skywalker!" Ahsoka relaxes slightly as she realizes it is another Jedi, the General they were sent to help.

"Master Krell," Anakin responds, bowing his head slightly, his own version of respect. "We're here to assist."

Pong Krell, a hulking Besalisk, gives him a nod back. "Glad to see you, Skywalker," he says gruffly. "I'll be taking command of your troops from here on out."

Ahsoka forgets her training for a brief moment, and lets her mouth drop open in shock. Beside her, Anakin stiffens visibly, his fists clenching, jaw tightening. "And why would that be, Master?" he asks, measured. "The 501st is  _my_  legion. I welcome your advice and support, but they will remain under  _my_  command." He is struggling with his temper, Ahsoka can tell, and his words, though respectful and even, are edged with the kind of dark anger that she's become used to.

"Orders come from the Council," Krell responds. "You're to return to Coruscant." He doesn't sound at all sorry, or sympathetic. On Anakin's other side, Ahsoka sees Rex tense.

"The Council," Anakin growls darkly, "could have told me this  _themselves_." Ahsoka knows they're treading dangerously now; Anakin does not take kindly to orders being given over his head.

Krell glares. "What's done is done, Skywalker. Return to Corsucant. You can leave your apprentice, if you're so worried about your men."

Ahsoka looks up at her Master, suddenly fearful for reasons she cannot quite pin down. "Ahsoka stays with me," Anakin responds, to her relief. "I am not giving up my _Padawan_ as well." Ahsoka wishes they were not having this conversation in front of the troops; it's bad enough they're going to be without their General, but to know there is a power struggle will make it worse.

Anakin drops his hand onto Rex's shoulderplate. "Respect General Krell as you would me," he instructs. "I want a glowing report when the battle is over." Ahsoka can tell he's trying to keep his voice from shaking.

"Yes, Sir," Rex says, all business. He likes this as much as they do, but he will follow orders.

Anakin storms back to the larty, Ahsoka fast on his heels. He orders the pilot out, and settles himself into the vacated seat, flipping switches over his head to begin the takeoff sequence. "What was  _that_ all about?" Ahsoka asks as the small craft rose into the air.

Anakin's expression is unreadable, and he does not respond.

* * *

She can hear him yelling. Standing outside the closed door to his quarters on the Resolute, in hyperspace back to Coruscant, she can make out every word. "They can't _do_  this!" he is shouting. "Krell's trooper death count is  _insane_! My men are going to  _die_  because I'm not there!" He sounds like he is in pain, and Ahsoka knows him well enough to know he probably is; he does not take the well-being of his troops lightly. "AND he wanted me to leave  _Ahsoka_ there!"

She can't hear the voice of whoever he's talking to, but she assumes it's Obi-Wan; he's the only one Anakin would raise his voice to like that, despite his general annoyance with the Council as a whole. Anakin is silent for a moment, and then, "So it's  _my_  competence that's in question here? You've got to be kriffing  _kidding_  me!" Another pause, and his voice drops in volume so she can't hear it anymore.

Ahsoka remains, stock-still to the point of trembling, for what seems like hours. The door slides open, and Anakin appears, looking defeated. "It's rude to eavesdrop," he informs her tartly.

"It's not eavesdropping when half the ship can hear you," she replies, falling into step beside him. "Master, I..." Her words catch in her throat; she's not sure what to say. "Are we in trouble or something? Is that why this is happening?"

Anakin stops, turns to her. "No, Snips," he tells her. " _We're_ not in trouble. "The Council has an assignment for me on Coruscant." He is being evasive, Ahsoka can tell, but she does not press. She knows her Master will never tell her what's really going on; not because he wants to lie to her, but because whatever is happening is too painful to put into words.

She chews on her lip, worried, suddenly, that they're going to get back to Coruscant and she suddenly won't have a Master anymore. No, the Council wouldn't do that, she tells herself. Not like this, anyway. "It'll be okay," she says, and puts a hand on his arm.

He doesn't look at her as they walk together to the bridge.

* * *

Anakin goes directly to the Council Chambers upon their arrival. Ahsoka returns to the Padawan dorms, trying not to let her anxiety overwhelm her. She meditates, catches up with Barriss, eats some real food, tries to relax.

Later in the evening, she ventures to her Master's quarters, curious about what happened with the Council. She knocks, but there is no answer. Never one to let decorum deter her, she presses her hand to the lockpad and the door slides open for her. "Master?" she asks.

The lights are on, his boots are by the door. He's here, at least, though he's not answering her. "Master?" She walks further into the apartment and sees him sitting on the couch, staring at nothing. "Hey. Skyguy."

He jerks his head up. "Oh," he says. "What's up?" He's trying to act natural, but Ahsoka knows better.

"What happened with the Council?" she asks tentatively, curling herself into the chair beside the sofa.

Anakin clears his throat. "I, uh, I'm off active duty for a while," he says after a long moment, still trying to sound casual, as if being off active duty is something he's happy about.

She leans forward. "Why?" she asks, prodding. She tries to slip into his mind through their bond, but he has his shields up, and even touching them gives her a headache.

Shrugging, Anakin closes his eyes. "Will of the Council," he replies dismissively. "So I'm going to need you to keep in touch with Rex, okay?"

"Okay," she agrees, swallowing the lump in her throat. She knows there's more going on, knows there's something he's keeping from her. He'll never say, and nothing she does will change that. She gets up, plods to the door. "Let me know if you need anything else," she ventures. He nods, and she leaves.

Ahsoka does not see her Master again for another three days. She herself has been given instructions by the Council: she's put in charge of several Youngling classes, and it is taking up most of her attention. She has a feeling that is the point; they do not want her dwelling on what's going on. Not that she knows what's going on, of course.

* * *

She runs into him in the training salles. He is working against a remote, the device sending stunning shots at him almost faster than her eyes can track. He flings them back, switching his lightsaber from one hand to the other; he seems bored by the exercise.

He notices her, and with a wave of his hand, the remote turns off, hovering in the air in front of him. "Heard from Rex?" he asks, powering down his 'saber.

Ahsoka swallows; she has heard from Rex, and the news isn't good. Half the legion has already been decimated. She doesn't want to tell Anakin this, knows how he is going to take it. She doesn't want to lie. "Yeah," she says. "It's, uh, going as well as can be expected."

Anakin's expression darkens, he frowns. "Okay," he says, closing his eyes. "Thanks."

Taking a step forward, she reaches out her hand, but he pulls away from her. "See ya later, Snips," he says, and walks away before she can say anything else.

* * *

It's another three days before she sees him again. She's tried to visit at the apartment, but he hasn't been there. She suspects he's with Senator Amidala, but she's not sure. All she knows is she can't seem to find him until they run into each other in the cafeteria.

He looks exhausted, like he hasn't slept since the last time she saw him. She wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't. He's moving slowly, sluggish, as if underwater. "Hey," she says.

It takes him a moment to acknowledge her, blinking as if he doesn't recognize her at first. "Hey," he replies. "Heard from Rex?" She wonders if that is going to be the extent to which he speaks to her from now on.

She shakes her head; this is, at least, the truth. She has not heard from Rex again, and the silence is telling. She has considered contacting him herself, but is worried that doing so will make matters worse. She doesn't want the Council to think Anakin is doing anything he shouldn't be. "Are you okay?" she asks gently.

Anakin stares at her. "Yeah," he responds after a silence, as if he's thinking about what he's going to say. "I'm fine. Just, you know, overwhelmed with the excitement of being stuck here." He quirks an eyebrow at her, and she can tell how hard he's trying to sound normal.

She wants to call him on it, but knows if she does, he'll just walk away. He's walking away anyway, but at least he's not angry with her for trying to get him to lower his defenses. She doesn't know what else she can do.

* * *

Ahsoka goes a week without seeing her Master. She's spoken to Rex again; the Captain had tried not to sound worried about his current engagement, but he hints that General Krell does not command the same kind of respect as General Skywalker. She is not surprised, and tries to reassure him that everything will be back to normal soon. She has a feeling he knows it's a lie.

She wants to tell Anakin that Rex is okay, but she can't find him. Obi-Wan doesn't know where he is; she even calls Padme only to hear the same thing, that she hasn't seen him in days. Padme indicates worry for him, which Ahsoka echoes.

She starts at the apartment, sliding the door open. It is dark, but she sees his cloak draped over the bar-counter separating the living area from the kitchen, and his boots flung haphazardly near the door. "Master?" she sees him on the couch, curled in a blanket, eyes closed. The holonet projector is on; he must have fallen asleep watching it.

She stands a few feet away and studies him; he looks tired, even while asleep. His hair is disheveled, he hasn't shaved in a few days. He looks weary and gaunt and ill. She frowns, and sits in her chair, deciding to let him sleep. It doesn't last long; he seems to sense another presence, and springs to his feet, his lightsaber in his hand. "It's just me," she says softly.

He swallows heavily and sits back down. "Don't do that," he scolds. "You shouldn't sneak up on people." He doesn't sound angry, or annoyed. His voice is flat; now that she can see his eyes, she notices that they, too, are dull.

"Are you okay?" she asks, again. She doesn't expect a truthful answer, but she wants to ask anyway. He needs to know somebody cares, that she is still here for him.

"Yeah," Anakin replies, then shakes his head. "No," he corrects himself. "I don't know." He sighs, drops his head into his hands. "It's nothing you need to worry about, Snips."

She joins him on the couch. "It's kind of my job to worry about you," she informs him. "C'mon, Master. I'm not the Council or anybody. I wish you would just be honest with me." She wonders if Padme has the same trouble she does in getting him to open up. She kind of hopes so.

"I don't want to talk about it," Anakin informs her. "I can't... it's nothing. I just need..." He trails off. "I don't know what I need."

"A shower?" Ahsoka suggests, nudging him with her elbow.

Anakin gives her a dirty look, but chuckles. "Probably," he agrees. "Later, maybe. I just... kind of want to stay here for right now." He sounds so defeated, so incredibly sad, that she wants to hug him. She doesn't, it's not appropriate. She wishes it was.

"Rex and the guys will be okay, you know," she says, but she's sure he can tell she's not being entirely truthful. "They're still the 501st."

Anakin bows his head. "It's not just that," he admits. "I think I'm just overtired. Or something." He rubs his face and sighs; it is a struggle for him, she can tell, to even just form those words. "Except I'm sleeping all the time, so that's not really it." He shrugs. "It'll be fine. Soon as I'm back in the field. Don't worry about me."

She leaves that day more worried than before.

* * *

Obi-Wan welcomes her in when she goes to see him. "When are we going to get to go back out to the field?" she asks without preamble. "I don't know how much longer I can take being here." She makes it about herself, for now, so that he doesn't think Anakin put her up to it.

"When the Council decides it's right," Obi-Wan replies vaguely, but his expression is pained.

"And when will  _that_  be?" Ahsoka prods; she's not going to let Obi-Wan get away with being evasive the way she has let Anakin. "Have you  _seen_ Master Anakin? He's going crazy here. We both are!" She doesn't get into specifics; she's sure Obi-Wan can guess on his own.

Obi-Wan nods. "I have spoken with Anakin," he says, measured. "And I think it's probably for the best that he remain here a while longer."

It is not the answer she'd been hoping for. "But why?" she demands. "Why won't anyone just tell me what's going on?" She feels unaccountably childish, petulant.

Her Master's Master sighs. "I'm sure you've noticed that Anakin is not... himself lately," he offers. "The Council has been concerned for some time." A pause. " _I_ have been concerned. We decided that we would see if time away from the front lines would help."

Ahsoka furrows her brow. "So why bother sending us to Umbara at all?" she asks. "Why take the 501st away like that? He's worried sick about them, that's only making it worse, isn't it?" She's angry, now, and is trying to release it into the Force.

"That... was not my decision," Obi-Wan says after a long moment. "And I am sorry for that." He bows his head. "I wish I could tell you more than that."

Frowning, Ahsoka stands. "This is killing him," she tells Obi-Wan shortly, and storms out.

* * *

"Go away." Anakin is huddled on the couch, wrapped in his blanket. He is wearing the same sleep pants and tunic he had on the last time she saw him, four days previous, and it seems clear he hasn't gotten up for any length of time since then either.

"We're worried about you," she tells him, pointedly ignoring his instruction. "So, sorry, but I'm not going away." She settled onto the couch beside him once more. "Will you go see the Healers?" she asks gently. She already knows the answer, but feels like she should ask anyway.

Anakin shakes his head, eyes cast to the floor. "There's nothing wrong with me," he insists. "I'm just tired." He certainly sounds tired, but there's surely more to it than that; she knows enough to know that.

"How can you be tired when you're sleeping sixteen hours a day?" she demands, a bit more forceful than she'd intended, perhaps. "Master, please."

He lets out a sharp breath. "Just leave it alone, Snips," he warns. "Once we're back in the field." It's like a mantra for him, and she wonders if he actually believes it.

"You know they're not going to send you back if you can't get off the couch," she points out. "Master. Go see the Healers. Please?"

He shakes his head again, seems to collapse in on himself. "Go away, Ahsoka," he demands. "I just want to go back to sleep." He lies back down, turns away from her. She stays for an hour, watching his chest rising and falling gently. He won't, she knows, seek help on his own; he's far too proud for that. She will have to, then, bring help to him.

* * *

"Barriss, can I talk to you?" She tracks her friend down after classes the next day. Barriss is an apprentice Healer, after all, and Luminara Unduli is one of the Order's finest Healers, second perhaps only to Vokara Che. Ahsoka approaches Barriss because she knows Anakin trusts Luminara - he does not so easily trust Vokara Che, whose job it is to remain in the Temple, who does not understand what it is like on the front lines as Luminara does.

Barriss nods, and they go to her dorm. "What's going on?" she inquires politely, warmly. Ahsoka is ready to succinctly explain her concerns, but they end up tumbling out of her in a rush. When she finishes, Barriss' eyes are wide. "Have you talked to Master Che?" she asks.

Ahsoka shakes her head, explains her reasoning. "He won't talk to her at all," she says. "He and Master Unduli are on more equal footing. He trusts her. I was hoping..."

Barriss touches her arm. "I will have her see him today," she offers. "You are a good friend, Ahsoka. Master Skywalker is lucky to have you."

Despite herself, Ahsoka launches into Barriss, wrapping her arms around her friend and holding on tight. "I don't like feeling so helpless," she admits after Barriss has returned the embrace, albeit somewhat awkwardly.

"Who does?" she responds. "I'll go talk to my Master. I'll call you when I know what's going on."

Ahsoka offers a smile, almost feeling better.

* * *

When she goes to visit Anakin later that day, Luminara is still there, sitting in the chair beside the couch, one hand on Anakin's forehead. Her eyes are closed, and he seems to be asleep. She edges into the room, loathe to interrupt, but Luminara senses her, opens her eyes.

"You made the right decision," Unduli says, her voice low. Her eyes slide closed again, and Ahsoka can feel the Force surging around her Master. After what seems like ages - she is still standing, still trying to be unobtrusive - Luminara's eyes open again, and she removes her hand from Anakin's head. "It will be some time before he's completely well, but at least he's allowed healing to begin," she says.

"What's wrong with him?" Ahsoka whispers, inching closer. Anakin's face is relaxed, he looks more peaceful than he has in some time. Still, she worries.

Luminara runs her hands over her skirt and stands, motioning for Ahsoka to follow her to the door. "Your Master does not have very good control over his emotions at times," she informs Ahsoka as if this is something she couldn't have figured out on her own. "He has allowed them to overwhelm him to the point he cannot function. He allowed me into his shields, and while I can't change who he is on a fundamental level - nor would I want to - I can at least help him find some peace within himself for the time being."

Ahsoka bows. "Thank you, Master Unduli," she says sincerely as the door slides open and Luminara lets herself out.

* * *

She's in the training salles when she sees Anakin again. He has showered, at least, but there is still something off about him. "Want to spar?" she asks hopefully.

Anakin shrugs. "I guess so," he replies, and he still sounds tired. He slips out of his cloak and grabs three of the training 'sabers from the wall, tossing two to her and flipping his own into the opening stance of Djem So.

He's not moving as fast as he usually does; his attacks are clumsy and unfocused, and she's able to defend much easier than usual. It doesn't even feel like sparring, he doesn't seem to even be trying. She finds herself getting frustrated and pushing her own attack - he backs up, gives ground, does little more than deflect her strikes to one side or the other. She stops, powers down the 'sabers. "Are you okay?" She knows the answer.

He stands there, the training saber still ignited, and stares at her. "I think I'm going to go back to bed," he says. "Sorry."

* * *

Rex and the remains of the 501st return to Coruscant. Ahsoka greets them, resisting the urge to throw her arms around the captain in relief that he's made it back.

"What's the word, Little 'Un?" Rex asks her once the debrief is over and they're back in the barracks. "Are we getting our General back?"

Ahsoka chews on her lip. She knows she shouldn't talk about Anakin's current difficulties with the troopers, it would be a breach of protocol and might cause trouble. "Eventually," she hedges, not sure if that's even true.

Rex seems to know to leave well enough alone, and drops the subject. He gives her a rundown of the mission on Umbara, and Ahsoka finds herself wishing that things had been different; that Anakin had been allowed to remain in command, at least until the end of the mission. At least until he'd gotten the 501st home safely. She's not about to admit that to anyone, though; she doesn't want to make Anakin feel worse, and she doesn't want Rex to get the wrong idea. She buries it down, and continues on.

* * *

She catches Anakin injecting himself with a hypo-spray. He claims it's from Luminara, but won't show her the label. She feels like a tattle-tale when she tells Master Unduli, but she hasn't seen an improvement, besides his new-found ability to comb his hair. Luminara is gentle, and understanding, and goes directly to Anakin's quarters. Ahsoka is tempted to follow, but doesn't, lurks outside the door.

An alarm sounds, the medical emergency alarm, and she knows. She rushes in, sees Luminara crouched over her Master, who seems to be having some kind of seizure. The furniture in the room is floating a few feet above the ground, and Ahsoka can feel the Force prickling. Anakin's body is struggling to fight the Force suggestion he has given it, she realizes, following the trail the can sense in her montrals.

She is pushed aside by Vokara Che, shoved bodily out of the way as the Master Healer lowers herself to the floor beside Luminara. She lays her hands on Anakin's chest and Ahsoka can feel a surge of the Force, Vokara Che fighting against Anakin's will. Anakin stills, the furniture slams to the floor. The sound makes Ahsoka jump, her hand coming in contact with Anakin's lightsaber. She wonders, morbidly, why he hadn't used that instead. She's glad he didn't; he wouldn't have had a chance.

Luminara and Vokara Che gently lift him with the Force onto a stretcher. Ahsoka follows behind several paces, trying to stay inconspicuous so they don't tell her to mind her own business. Anakin is her Master, she thinks, he is her business. She stops in the admitting area of the Halls of Healing, surprised that Obi-Wan is already there. They meet each others' eyes, and Obi-Wan puts a hand on her shoulder. "He is in good hands," he informs her. She nods, chews her lip.

* * *

It feels like she has been waiting forever. Finally, Vokara Che and Luminara emerge from the private room they've sequestered Anakin. They address Obi-Wan, not her, but she stands at Obi-Wan's side as they talk about Anakin's apparent breakdown, and the options for treatment. Obi-Wan agrees with their recommendations, thanks them for their service. Ahsoka feels like she wants to scream, but she does not.

She finds Barriss instead, propels herself into her friend's arms, finds herself sobbing in a way she hasn't since she was a Youngling. Barriss' long fingers run themselves down her lekku gently. "What's wrong?" she asks.

The floodgates open, and Ahsoka weeps her story, how she doesn't know what will happen to her if her Master doesn't get better, if he dies. How she feels guilty, like she could have done something differently. How she feels like a terrible Jedi because she's crying now instead of releasing her emotions into the Force and how she feels horrible for thinking she doesn't want to end up like Anakin.

"It sounds like you could use some Healing yourself," Barriss tells her gently when she is done, her sobs transforming to hiccuping gasps. "Would you like me to go down there with you?"

Ahsoka wipes at her eyes violently, furious with herself for losing control, nodding. She  _doesn't_ want this terrible feeling to stay bottled up inside until she can't handle it anymore. She doesn't want to admit weakness, but, she realizes with some sadness, neither did Anakin.

They walk back to the Halls of Healing side by side, Barriss every so often stroking her arm comfortingly. Luminara greets them, and Barriss gently prods Ahsoka to repeat her fears. She manages not to cry, this time. Luminara's expression is soft, understanding, and she takes Ahsoka by the arm into a warm, cream-colored room with pillows on the floor.

Ahsoka settles onto one of the pillows. "I am going to help you release your emotions into the Force," Luminara tells her, settling down on another pillow. "This is not a weakness, Ahsoka. You are concerned for your Master, for your clones, and for yourself. Even the best of us need some help now and again." She gives a wry smile, and Ahsoka can't help returning it. "Close your eyes."

Ahsoka does, and feels Luminara take her hands. The Force flows into her, soothing, like sunlight. She feels Luminara edging past her shields, grabbing hold of her fears and anxieties, easing them out into the warm light of the Force. Ahsoka feels herself growing lighter, the weight of her worries disappearing. She drifts on the tides of the Force for a long time, finally coming back to herself, blinking. She feels better, like a logjam has cleared. She thinks about her Master, and despite the twinge of pain there, she is able to let it go.

"Thank you," she sighs, gratefully. Luminara nods, and Ahsoka lets herself out.

* * *

Two weeks pass. Ahsoka sneaks in to see Anakin from time to time, but he is usually sleeping, or in a healing trance. It isn't until she is eating lunch when she hears his voice again. "Snips." She activates her commlink and swallows the mouthful of stew.

"Yes, Master?" she asks, carefully.

"Pack your bags," he says, sounding more like himself than he has in a long time. "We're shipping out." He sounds pleased. She  _is_ pleased.

She meets him in the docking bay, the Resolute hovering over them, landing ramps making contact with the deck plating. He looks better, nominally. Still a little tired, still a little shaky, but better. She instinctively grabs his flesh hand, squeezes it, lets it go. He looks at her in surprise, but awards her a smile. "Everything's fine," he tells her.

She wants to believe him, so she does.


End file.
